I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
