She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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