Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
