friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
