Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
