I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
