Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
