Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am puke
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
