Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
