the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
