Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
