Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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