Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
