two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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