mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Randomize
