I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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