Someone shit on the floor
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
