even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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