I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
