i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
