we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
