I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This baby is an asshole
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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