Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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