Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
