she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
