He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
