I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
