Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
