I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
