You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
zippers are such a cool invention
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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