So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
