she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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