Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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