this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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