if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
