She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
