There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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