I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
