well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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