I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I AM VODKA MAN
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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