I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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