worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Randomize
