how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
if only i could text you this smell
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
