sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
