I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
