i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
