you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
