After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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