Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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