WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
