Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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