Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
