You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
