She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
