Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
