I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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