why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
it hurts more in the daytime
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
