it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
