I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
