I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
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Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
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i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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