one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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