Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
